Sermon Series: Ephesians–The Believer's Bank

Headship in a Christian Marriage

Ephesians 5:21-33

PSBC 10/8/00 PM

In a nutshell: Headship in a Christian marriage is not derived from our cultural understanding or from our understanding of headship in the Old Testament. It comes from the model and teaching of Jesus Christ.

I. Introduction

A. Poseidon Adventure illustration

A movie that I loved because it was so suspenseful, and Diane hated because it was so suspenseful, was The Poseidon Adventure, In the movie, the ocean liner S.S. Poseidon is on the open sea when it hits a huge storm. A wall of water crashes into the ship. Men in tuxes and women in evening gowns scream and run in panic. Lights go out, smoke pours into rooms and, amid all the confusion, the ship flips over.

Because of the air trapped inside the ocean liner, it floats upside down. But in the confusion, the passengers can't figure out which way is up. They scramble to get out, mostly by climbing the steps to the top deck. The problem is, since the ship is upside down, and the top deck is now 100 feet under water. So, in trying to get to the top of the ship, they drown.

The only survivors are the few who do the opposite of what everyone else is doing. They descend into the dark belly of the ship until they reach the hull. In reality, by going in the direction that seemed down, they reached the ocean's surface. And when they bang on the hull, the rescuers heard them and cut them free.

What we are going to be looking at tonight is something like the predicament of the characters in the Poseidon Adventure. Headship and submission are terms that have been defined by our culture in a certain way. But as we're going to find out, for Christian marriages, it's like God has turned the ship over and the only way for us to find freedom is to choose what is opposite from what our world and our culture thinks is right.

Turn with me to Ephesians 5. And we're going to start at verse 21. But before we look at the text, let me give you some background about this term headship, because that is an important term we're going to have to come to grips with–not because I use it, but because God uses it.

B. Headship in places other than the New Testament

To understand the New Testament concept of headship you have to understand what it is not.

1. In the corporate world, the term head is used in reference to being the head of a company or a corporation. In the military, the term is used for someone who commands others. The one who is the head is the one who makes the decisions, is over his or her subordinates, and it connotes the right of one person to control and the obligation of others to obey.

2. In the Old Testament, the word "head" is used five different ways.
First, it is used of a physical head of a person or an animal.
Second, it is used of things like the top of a hill or top of a mountain. It would be the equivalent of saying "mountain top".
Third, it was used to refer to preeminence. Things like the chief city of a region or the ruling family of a territory were called "the head".
Fourth, it was used to refer to the person who led others into battle. That was the leader's place in the army, leading his troops into battle.
Fifth, it was used to describe the choicest item in a group.

So, it wasn't unusual for the term "head" to be used of individuals in Israel. There were chief or head priests. There were generals or heads of armies. When the Israelites were going through the wilderness, Moses was unquestioningly the head of that multitude. He established a chain of command where he appointed men to be heads over tens, fifties, hundreds, and thousands–just like a modern day flow chart.

Everywhere a person is referred to in the Old Testament as "head" it was referring to an over/under relationship or a superiority/inferiority relationship. So, when we are faced with the term "head" in New Testament writings, it's easy to see from Old Testament examples and from modern day examples how we would immediately think of situations where human beings functioned as heads over other human beings.

C. New Testament

But when we come to the New Testament and the New Covenant, we find a totally different pattern of relationship taught. In the New Testament, no where do we see an over/under relationship taught or modeled. In fact, when Jesus was speaking about the Pharisees and their over/under chain-of-command leadership, He carefully instructed His disciples that this kind of thing was never to have a place in the new paradigm He was establishing...

Matthew 23:8-12
8 "But you are not to be called `Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers.
9 And do not call anyone on earth `father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.
10 Nor are you to be called `teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.
12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Before we can even start to understand what Paul is going to be teaching in Ephesians 5, regarding Christian marriage, headship and submission, we have to understand three things about relationships under the New Covenant that Jesus established...

1. Under the New Covenant, the old over/under relationship is replaced by an "among" relationship. We are to live as brothers and sisters, all with the same level of importance, with no one exalted above the other.
2. Under the New Covenant, superiority and claims of superiority are replaced by equality. This is not the kind of equality that lowers a leader to the place of something less, but it is the kind of equality that elevates everyone to the highest position–children of God.
3. Under the new Covenant, greatness is defined by servanthood–not by power over other people.

So, if you've been taught something in the past about Christian relationships that apply an over/under headship or chain-of-command or subservient submission; or if you have been applying rules of the corporate world or the Old Testament world to your Christian relationships then you have to change. Not because I say so, but because that is not what your Lord Jesus Christ teaches as His way.

Ephesians 5:21
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

If you understand this New Covenant relationship we are to have with each other, then you're ready to find out what Paul is saying in Ephesians 5 regarding Christian marriage, headship and submission...

II. Wives

Men and women each have different roles in this New Covenant relationship of Christian marriage. And we'll look at both tonight. So, ladies, we'll take you first.

Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

A. Submission

Here's where you're going to have to think like the Poseidon Adventure–upside down from popular culture. I had a young man and woman in my office this week who want me to perform their wedding in December. They are from 29 Palms, and found out about me through someone who used to go to our church, that is a friend of their family. As we were getting acquainted, right off the bat, the young lady had two questions for me–were we the Baptists who were boycotting Disney (because she collected Winnie the Pooh collectibles) and were we the Baptists who were forcing women to submit to their husbands (because she and her fiancé were equals).

I assured her we were not "that" Baptist group. But it gave me an opportunity to explain submission in the New Testament sense. So, what I shared with her, ladies, is what I want to share with you, tonight.

Submission does not mean blind obedience. Submission does not mean inferiority in any way, shape or form. (Just look at verse 21). But submission is the unique mark of the relationship of any Christian with any other Christian–man or woman. Essentially, that Greek word we translate submission in these verses means "maintaining an attitude of loving responsiveness".

So, what Paul is saying to you wives is that when your husbands say or do something, don't bristle, don't be defensive, or don't get ready for a fight or an argument. Instead, with a loving attitude, be open and responsive to what they have to say.

B. The Reason why

But ladies, don't think you're being singled out unfairly in this, because in reality, according to verse 21, this is something all of us need to be doing to each other, no matter what sex we are. Asking you to submit is not a hint to inferiority. In fact, I have come to believe that this is an admission by the apostle Paul to the superiority of women. Let me explain.

When you women took that step of marriage to your husbands, you committed yourselves to living with retarded human beings. You see, men are brought up in a rather unique way. When guys get together we talk about a new chrome piece on our motorcycles, baseball or football or hockey scores, the things said in the latest presidential debate, or the advantage of one kind of garage door over another. Men talk about things, ideas and concepts. But one thing they never talk about is feelings–what is going on inside of them. For the most part, we don't know how to get personal and relational. This goes cross-culturally. In fact, you can go to just about any other culture or country in the world and find the same thing.

Women on the other hand have grown up sharing the wonderful world of subjective feelings with their friends, or mothers, or aunts or grandmas–whether it be on the phone or in person. You all talk on a semi-continual basis about your feelings to each other.

Guys never do this. We talk about things and ideas. Therefore, we grow up being emotionally retarded. But God in His wisdom put a man and woman together. He knew that one of the most important contributions that a woman could ever make to a man would be to gently and graciously, remembering how retarded men are, introduce a man to sensitivity in personal relationships.

Paul is telling women how to do this. The key thing a woman can contribute to her relationship with her husband is to maintain a responsive, open, unthreatened, unbristling attitude toward her man's ideas. Hopefully, over a long period of years, this will enable the husband to learn how to first crawl, then toddle and eventually walk in the realm of feelings and emotions. That's what Paul is talking about when he tells wives to submit. That is one of the greatest contribution a wife can make to her husband in a world that has been shut out to him by his culture.

Now, Paul addresses husbands ...

III. Husbands

Ephesians 5:25-29
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–

By telling husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church, Paul is telling men to do four distinct things in their marriages and their homes that are connected with the headship that Jesus demonstrates toward the church...

A. Love

The first thing is that we are to love our wives. Love in the New Testament, biblical context is always defined by the person of Jesus. It does not mean emotion. It does not mean affection. (Even though these are very good things!) But it means commitment. Jesus Christ is committed to loving you and me–no matter what happens to us or no matter what we do.

Romans 8:35; 38-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Our wives need to feel that kind of commitment from us to them.

B. Gave Himself Up

The second thing connected with headship is that Jesus gave Himself up for the church. He was so willing to care for us that He put aside His own needs and desires and gave up His life for us.

A classmate of mine from Wheaton , Scott Bolinder, wrote an article in Marriage Partnership magazine a few years ago, talking about his dad and how he practically applied what Paul is talking about in verse 25...

My father did all the masculine things like washing the car, fixing leaky faucets, and reading the sports page first. But he never played golf on Saturdays because he didn't want to be away from the family; he cooked Swedish pancakes most weekends so my mom could sleep in; and he made it to all my basketball games just to watch me sit on the bench. (Scott Bolinder, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, no. 1)

Guys, are you giving yourselves up for your wives and family? Will your child or wife be able to write something like that of you, when they look back on these days?

C. Intentional Commitment

The third thing that Paul is telling us to do as heads of our families is to make the commitment we give them, an intentional one. He writes that Jesus intentionally put his own needs aside in order to "...make His bride holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless."

God knew long before the foundation of the world was set into place, just what kind of people we would be. He knew every spot and wrinkle and blemish and sin and fault and twisted element of our character. Yet he said,
-"I will love you anyway.
-I will give myself for you anyway.
-I am willing to give myself for you.
-I will work so hard in your life that you will achieve the fullest potential of what a human being was originally designed to accomplish.
-I will transform you from a sinner to one who bears the very image of Jesus Christ, one who will one day stand perfected in God's presence."

Being head of the church was an intentional commitment on the part of Jesus Christ to bring us to our fullest potential. Guys, we are being called upon by God to make an intentional commitment to bring our wives to their fullest potential.

About three years ago, Laura Inghram wrote an article about the Promise Keeper movement for USA Today (USA Today, 10-6-97). She captured the spirit of Promise Keepers and the spirit of this third point when she wrote... "Men haven't joined the Promise Keepers out of some secret desire to learn how to subjugate their wives or girlfriends, they want to be better husbands and fathers" Men, if you don't have that desire, you aren't demonstrating an intentional commitment to your wife.

D. Initiates nurture

The fourth thing that Paul tells us to do regarding our headship in the home is to initiate nurture. Look again at what he says in verses 28 and 29...

Ephesians 5:28-29
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–

Guys, there is not a one of you that I'd have to go to your home and remind you to eat a meal. We all do that pretty well. Why? Because we know how to nurture our bodies. We don't have to be told to eat. We initiate that practice, in order to care for our bodies.

Guys, when was the last time you brought something home or shared something you heard that could help your wife be nurtured in her spiritual life? You know what that means, don't you?
-First of all that means that you must be receiving input into your life on a regular basis.
-And second, that means you have to talk about spiritual things from a personal basis.
-Which means thirdly, you have to be personally growing. You have to be growing and be spiritually challenged on a regular basis if you are going to nurture your wife.

One of my real heroes of the faith, Dr. Richard Halverson, former chaplain of the United States Senate, once wrote, "It is my deep, settled conviction that one hundred percent of the responsibility for the sustenance of the marriage relationship belongs to the husband. The scriptures tell us that as husbands we need to model ourselves after Jesus Christ, who gave Himself up in every way in order to present His bride to Himself without blemish or stain or spot or wrinkle." (Richard Halverson, No Greater Power).

IV. Conclusion

So, let's get very practical here. How does this New Covenant understanding of headship and submission work when it comes to making decisions in the family.

A. Old Way

Under our cultural idea of headship and submission, the process of family decisions is very easy–you just ask dad what should be done and you do whatever he says. But that's not the New Testament way. Because dad making the decisions solely, shows a misunderstanding of what decision-making involves.

B. New Way

When Christian men and women come to a problem that has to be solved, the real question is not, "What decision do we make?" The real question is, "What does our Lord, Jesus Christ, have in mind for us?"

The real question is not, "Which one of us wins and gets his or her way?" The real question is, "How do we discern what God wants us to do?"

The wife can't say that the husband is solely responsible for the decision, because we are told that both husband and wife, man and woman are to submit to each other. It is not a one way street of woman to man.

So, here's how it works in the model set up in Ephesians 5...
–The wife shares the "feeling" data, the husband shares the "concept" data.
–Both husband and wife recognize that the true power and true authority in that family rests in Jesus Christ, alone.
–And together they both pray that God will reveal to them both, the decision He has already made for them.

You see, once you get rid of the chain-of-command paradigm, you are free to begin experiencing God the Holy Spirit living and working in active partnership with each of you in ways you've never imagined.

So, friends, if you're married or contemplating marriage someday, let me say as strongly as I can... think the opposite way of culture.

Don't let the women's movement or men's movement or rights advocates or your non-believing parents, or a bad model you had growing up... influence how you operate in your marriage today. You know a better way. You know the way of Jesus Christ. Why settle for those other ways that are second best? When Jesus said, "I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly"–this is one of the things He was talking about. A marriage that superseeds the normal!

My friends, I implore you... Follow God's design for headship, and submission in your marriage. Experience a truly Christian marriage, and live to see God actually working through your marriage to accomplish great things for His Kingdom and your family

Amen.